Category: Funny

1) I will start referring to resolutions as revolutions just to annoy the crap out of people.

2) I am going to try to exercise less and get just a little bit fatter.

I was paid a visit from my guardian angel last night. He told me that he was trying to earn his wings. He took me on an amazing journey through the past to discover what life would have been like if I had never existed. He showed me that everyone would still be doing just fine without me.  He revealed that my friends and family seemed to actually be doing better without me around. I turned to my guardian angel and said, “Screw you and your stupid wings… that was just mean.”

Captain Francesco Schettino recently testified in court that he did not abandon his ship on the day of his fateful shipwreck but instead just “fell into a lifeboat” while trying to save his passengers. The captain is on trial for wrecking a cruise ship while navigating it too closely to shore in order to impress a woman on board with whom he was having an affair. Captain Schettino also denies actually having an affair with the young lady but claims instead that he simply “fell into this woman’s vagina”.

Dear ten year old me,

Hello, Michael. This is your 45 year old future self. I have a few things that I need to tell you. First of all, please leave your cats alone. You are driving them crazy and it’s just mean.

By the way, do you know how much you like computers and both your parents keep telling you that you should go into computer programming? I want you to stick with it. You are going to have some bad stuff happen in your childhood and you may start thinking that you need to gravitate towards a more noble profession because you owe it to society. You are never going to be truly happy doing this because deep down you will always know that you did not choose the right path.

It is also important for you to understand that you are going to mistakenly think you are in love a couple of times before you actually are. You have to make sure that you don’t marry any of these people because you will end up hurting one of them deeply and regretting it for the rest of your life.

During your early years, I need you to make as much money as you can and then invest it all in Wal-Mart, Berkshire Hathaway, Cisco, Google, and Apple… and by Apple, I mean “Apple Computer”. I don’t simply want you to go out and buy apples. You are also going to make a decision when you are about sixteen years old to become a Chicago Cubs fan… I need you to change this to the St. Louis Cardinals.

When you turn 27 years old, I am still going to need you come to Fort Smith, Arkansas and find a young female doctor named Janet Kuriger.  She should be just recently divorced with a small child. This is the love of your life and if you let her get away then I am going to somehow travel back in time and beat your ass. However, you need to understand not to go anywhere near this woman until after she has her baby because her kid totally rocks and you will eventually love him more than anything in this world.

Lastly and most importantly, things are never as bad as you will think they are. When a girlfriend leaves you suddenly or doesn’t love you back it is not the end of the world. You are young and stupid. You are going to make a ton of mistakes. I need you to learn from a very young age how to forgive yourself. Don’t beat yourself up so much. Enjoy your youth… and enjoy your hair. Neither are going to be around for very long.

Sincerely,

Future Michael Guyer

I think it is time for all of us to sit down as a nation and discuss the growing epidemic of blonde on brunette violence. When as a people are we ever going to learn to see past the hair? I dream for the day that a person will be judged not by the color of their hair but the content of their character.

(If by any chance you think that what I just said sounds stupid, that is precisely how the rest of the world sounds to me. Good day.)

My Top Ten Worst Ideas for Reality TV Shows:
10) Dancing With The Homeless
9) America’s Next Top Janitor
8) The Biggest Gainer
7) This Old Outhouse
6) Real Housewives of Pine Bluff
5) Jon and Kate Plus Hate
4) Pimp My Commode
3) The Ordinary Race
2) So You Think You Can Prance
And the number one worst idea for a reality TV show…
1) Turducken Dynasty