Budgets passed since 2009: 0
Selfies taken with a “Selfie-Stick” since 2009: 1
Category: Funny
The United States Foreign Policy In One Simple Sentence
If you attack the United States of America or our allies then we will chase you to the ends of the Earth and follow you to the gates of hell where we will then proceed to engage you with limited air strikes and attempt to contain you within a predefined time frame with no actual boots on the ground… punk.
The High Standard Of The American People
America will not tolerate a news anchor who makes up fabricated tales of grandeur describing harrowing incidents of taking enemy fire when no such incidents actually occurred. You might consider being our President someday… but being our news anchor is simply out of the question. We have to TRUST our news anchors.
And The Most Unusual Sounding Job Title In The World Goes To…
Raif Badawi is a popular blogger in Saudi Arabia who was recently sentenced to 1000 lashes for insulting Islam. A stranger takes him outside each day and whips him 50 times near a mosque as punishment for speaking his mind. As tragic as this unjust court ruling may be, I just can’t help but notice that it has given birth to one of the strangest sounding job titles in the history of mankind. I challenge anyone out there to name a more ridiculous sounding job position than that of a “blogger flogger”.
Eight Letters of Self-Reliance?
Eight people who recently wrote letters to President Obama detailing personal stories about their own lives have reportedly been invited to sit with the First Lady tonight during the State of the Union address. President Obama plans to address these stories individually during his speech. Hmmm… I wonder if any of these literary scholars wrote inspiring tales of self-reliance in which they pulled themselves up by their own bootstraps without any assistance from the Federal government? I guess we will have to tune in tonight to know for sure… but I am just DYING to find out!
Recessions Are Like Medicine And The Fed Isn’t Mary Poppins
Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. This was a delightful little song that many of us learned during our childhood years. Mary Poppins taught us in the movies that by simply planning ahead of time, one could easily circumvent bad experiences. She taught us that bad things don’t have to be bad if you mix them with something good.
I sometimes wonder to myself if this was former Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke’s favorite song while growing up. I picture him running around his house as a small child singing this Mary Poppins classic to himself. I can’t explain it, but I also picture this child version of Ben Bernanke as having classic male-pattern baldness and an impressively stylish beard. My imagination does have its limits.
Ben Bernanke and the Federal Reserve spent the past seven years trying to help our economic medicine go down… and in the most delightful way. Except their huge-ass spoonful of sugar has a funny name called “quantitative easing”. You see… recessions are like the medicine for our economy. Recessions can taste very unpleasant and make us feel terrible… but underneath the surface, this medicine is actually ridding the body of what ails us. Antibiotics can rid the human body of bacteria and other types of infection. Recessions can rid the economy of terrible loans, overleveraged banks, bad politicians, and irresponsible consumer debt.
In 2008, the United States of America went in for a routine check up and received the worst diagnosis possible. We found out that we did not just need some medicine… we needed chemotherapy. The biopsy report came back as “Stage III Adenosubprimeloaninoma”. Surgical extraction and long-term chemotherapy would be required in order to avoid metastasis.
But then something happened… our modern-day Mary Poppins at the Federal Reserve stepped in and told us that recessions are something that must be avoided at all costs. He warned us that this prescribed chemotherapy would be severe and that it would make us feel awful for the foreseeable future. He cancelled our chemotherapy completely and told us that all we really needed was a spoonful of sugar. When we failed to get better, he gave us another spoonful of sugar… and then another. Then he told us that we should be on an intravenous infusion of sugar until we started feeling better. Now we feel fat and bloated with serum blood sugars over six hundred and we have a large mass near our liver… we wonder to ourselves why we still feel bad… and then we come to the sudden realization… Ben Bernanke is not a doctor and he sure as hell ain’t Mary Poppins.
Guess What Day It Is?
Guess what day it is? Today is National Law Enforcement Appreciation Day! Or as it is currently referred to in largely populated urban areas throughout the United States… Friday.
The Warm and Fuzzy Guide to Making Sure That Everyone Likes You
1) Don’t be confrontational. You don’t want to make anyone mad. If someone says something factually incorrect or even bigoted, it is best if you stay quiet. It also helps to offer a polite laugh and nod slightly in agreement.
2) Don’t be judgemental. It is recommended that you view everyone on a morally equal playing field. Don’t call people out if you think their behavior is morally wrong or unacceptable.
3) Don’t draw too much attention to yourself. It is almost impossible for someone to dislike you if they don’t even know you exist.
4) Always take the side of the majority. You don’t ever want to be in the vocal minority. This can turn large groups of uninformed people against you very quickly.
5) Do NOT share your political views. If you stay silent about how you really feel, then friends and loved ones can naturally assume that you agree with them about various issues. Sharing your political views may alienate people who are close to you.
I hope this helps you in your goal of making sure that everyone likes you. Oh, and good luck actually making a difference in this world.
Pro Tip For All Facebook Users
Pro Tip For All Facebook Users: That big scroll of text that you click on before joining Facebook is called an End User License Agreement. It tells Mark Zuckerberg and everyone else on Facebook that you have surrendered a legal claim to anything you post on your wall. When you join Facebook, you agree that the information you will provide in the future is not private. When you subsequently get on your Facebook wall and post a bunch of legal text claiming that your posts are your own private intellectual property, all you are actually doing is creating a cute little virtual nesting doll of legal mumbo jumbo. But the legal contract you just created is the smaller nesting doll. No lawyer or judge will ever look at your little nesting doll because it is inside Facebook’s giant legal nesting doll. And if you ever actually decide to take Facebook to court… this giant legal nesting doll is going to kick your ass.
Harry Reid Progress Report
Senator Harry Reid was just released from the hospital after sustaining a nasty injury at home earlier this week. He reportedly broke multiple ribs and facial bones after his personal exercise equipment suddenly snapped which sent him flipping over and landing on his face. At this point, all we can do is wish Senator Reid a full and speedy recovery… and pray that this incident was somehow captured on home video.