Every major Clinton scandal ever known in one epic song!
Category: Funny
This Just In: Donald Trump Makes Public Statement Regarding “Star Wars”
The following is an actual excerpt from President Trump’s press conference regarding the original Star Wars trilogy earlier today:
“Here is the thing. I just watched the entire Star Wars trilogy…. just the first three movies. I am not watching the movies with Jar Jar in them because he is a giant loser. I made sure that I finished watching the “Return of the Jedi” movie before making a public statement because I wanted to get all of the facts. Now look, the Empire had some really bad dudes in it. I am talking about some really nasty hombres. I had never heard of Darth Vader or Anakin Skywalker or whatever he calls himself before today so I don’t plan on making any comments about him. I don’t even know who he is. Please understand that I am not putting anybody in this movie on a moral plane, but what I’m staying is this: you had a group on one side and a group on the other, and they came at each other with space ships and lightsabers. It was vicious and horrible. Both sides were fighting. Other people won’t tell you this but I watched these movies much closer than the rest of you. The fake rebellion kept complaining about the “dark side” through the entire trilogy but there was also a “light side” doing some very bad things. This one side had so-called “stormtroopers” or whatever you want to call them but the other side had some very bad people in that group also. But there were also some very fine people on both sides, as well. So look, they blew up this big beautiful Death Star… TWICE! What’s next? The Death Star was a part of the Empire’s history and culture. Where does it end? Luke Skywalker was the son of Darth Vader… are they going to blow up his Death Star next time? I really don’t see the point.”
The Promise
An old friend of mine called me on the phone a few months ago and told me that he did not like my recent country song which made fun of Donald Trump. I told him that if Donald Trump eventually won the presidential election that I would write a new country song which said nice things about him. I am a man of my word. I present to my viewing public: The Promise.
Describing Donald
I now present to the world my country music video, “Describing Donald.” I hope you all appreciate my skilled guitar playing and not just my singing. Oh yeah, I almost forgot… just one more thing. Vote Gary Johnson in 2016.
The Crusade Against Assault Grade Box Cutters
I would like to use the reminder of this tragic anniversary to inform everyone of my personal crusade to pass a federal law banning the sale of assault grade box cutters in the United States. Imagine the number of lives we could save each year if we simply removed all of the box cutters from our city streets. Remember, people don’t kill people… box cutters kill people. Did you ever wonder why we usually blame the guns for our local crimes but NOBODY blamed the box cutters on 9/11?
What, Me Worry?
President Obama just recently announced that he does not have a back-up strategy regarding the current military advancement of the Islamic State in Iraq. He also just recently admitted that he does not have a back-up plan if the Supreme Court rules that most of the federal subsidies associated with Obamacare are illegal and the out-of-pocket cost for most people’s insurance subsequently goes way up. However, Mr. Obama does agree that someone in a position of power should probably be worrying about this kind of stuff.
Simple Solution
If conservatives really want to interfere with the nuclear negotiations currently taking place between the United States and Iran then they should simply tell President Obama that all of the leaders of Iran are Republicans… this would stop all negotiations immediately.
Word of Advice for Rudy Giuliani
Wondering to yourself whether or not President Obama loves this country is like wondering to yourself whether or not Chris Brown loved Rihanna.
The Queen Of Splat
Madonna made big news last night when she was yanked from behind down a flight of stairs after being pulled by her cape that was reportedly tied too tightly around her neck. This is the most attention that Madonna has received in years. If I were Madonna’s agent, I would recommend that she leave her cape tied too tightly for the remainder of her tour. Madonna gave us “Like a Prayer” and “Like a Virgin”… we could call this her “Like a Slinky” tour! I can already hear her new hit song in my head:
“I made it through the factory
Somehow I made it through
Didn’t know how fun I was
Until I found you
I was neat
At your feet
On your stairs
Alone or in pairs
And you made me feel
Yeah you made me feel
Shiny and new
Like a slinky
Touched like a wonderful toy
Like a slinky
Fun for a girl… or a boy.”
Crusades Analogy
President Obama lecturing us all about the atrocities committed by Christians during the Crusades is like when your house is burning down after an electrical fire and instead of the fire department actually showing up with fire hoses they just stand outside your house and lecture you about the dangers of old kerosene lanterns.